Choosing a good partner can have a major impact on your well-being. You want to look for certain characteristics that will benefit your relationship in the long term. In order to do this, you need to search past chemistry and the physical attributes you find very attractive. Not everyone would make a good spouse (or rather, a good spouse for you).
Independent
An independent person will not rely on you to take care of them or keep them happy and occupied. An independent person wants you rather than needs you. They won’t be clingy or demanding of your time. Someone who requires constant attention and reassurance could make marriage more difficult. An independent person is strong, confident, and not afraid to be alone. An independent person is:
Able to plan for the futureAble to say noAble to value themselvesAware of what makes them happyCapable of being aloneFinancially stableGoal-oriented
Independence ensures that each partner is capable of taking care of themselves. However, they are also able to give and ask for support when it is needed. People who are able to take care of themselves are also in a better position to give care, attention, and support when you need it.
Level-Headed
Look for a person who remains reasonably calm in stressful situations—someone who is not frustrated by every minor issue. This does not mean they will never get upset, but they have the strength and maturity to manage their emotions. A level-headed person:
Approaches decisions in a rational, reasonable wayConsiders other people’s points of viewHas an optimistic but realistic attitudeLearns from their experiencesListens to what other people have to sayManages and expresses their emotions effectivelyStays calm in emotionally charged situationsThinks about things before taking action
Emotional regulation and availability are also important. Part of being a good partner involves sharing things about yourself and listening and learning more about your partner. This emotional give-and-take helps foster a deeper, more intimate connection between two people. A good partner is one who is willing to be open and share emotions in a steady, level-headed way. This quality also plays a key role in communication, which is essential in any good relationship. A calm attitude allows people to approach conflicts in a way that leads to productive solutions that make relationships stronger and more successful. Rather than butting heads over issues and leaving problems to fester, healthy communication promotes resolutions that help both partners feel happier. You should also feel that they are a good resource for times when you might be under stress. You can count on their abilities, intelligence, and advice when you can’t count on your own.
Thoughtful
A great partner is someone who thinks not only of you but of others as well. Pay attention to how they treat the people in their lives, from their peers to their parents to the people they encounter in everyday life. It’s great if they treat the people they are close to well—but how they treat casual acquaintances and strangers also reveals a lot about a person’s character. A thoughtful partner:
Does not make judgmental comments about othersGives genuine complimentsIs patient with service people, including waiters and cashiersShows their appreciation for othersStays in touch with the people they care aboutThinks about how others are feeling
Look for a partner who treats others the way that they want to be treated. A person who has a kind character is more likely to treat you with care and respect. A partner who is thoughtful, empathetic, and compassionate is more likely to take the time to try and understand how other people are feeling. They are more likely to care and to try to take action to resolve problems in a relationship. Beyond that, they are going to be more pleasant to be around in the long term.
Supportive
A partner who supports your personal and career goals understands that not everything in your marriage will be about them, or even about you as a couple. You both will have individual goals, and they will be by your side cheering on your efforts. They won’t feel threatened by the time and energy you put into achieving your goals because they will have their own. A supportive partner:
Comforts you when you are upsetEncourages you to pursue your dreamsLets you know that they are thinking about youLets you know that they are proud of youListens to and gives support to what you are feelingWants to know how they can help youWants to know what you are excited about
Self-Confident
Whether they are standing up to you, a family member, or a friend, you want a partner who will not let people treat them badly. If they accept poor treatment from you or others, eventually you may lose respect for them. A self-confident partner:
Is not intimidated by their partner’s successKnows their strengthsKeeps working even when faced with obstaclesMakes decisions easilySupports and celebrates others
A person who stands up for themselves has self-confidence and will not let anyone bully them, talk down to them, or act as though their opinions don’t matter.
A Word From Verywell
While having these qualities is not a guarantee that a person will be a great spouse, these characteristics are a great place to start. When it comes to looking for someone who is marriage material, think about the things that are most important to you, including your values and goals, and pay attention to whether your potential partners possess those qualities. Choosing the right person—and being a good partner yourself—is critical for a lasting relationship and long-term satisfaction.
