—Joni, 66 Talk to him about what’s going on when he’s sober. You don’t want to shame him but you do want him to know that you hear he’s in pain. Instead of saying, “You called me last night crying about how horrible you feel,” say something like, “I want to continue our conversation from last night. It sounds like you have been feeling pretty down lately.” Then, just listen. Allow him to talk openly about what he’s going through without offering advice—at least not now. There’s a good chance he won’t want to talk about things when he’s sober. He might be embarrassed by the fact that he calls you after he’s been drinking. Or, he might feel a little better when he’s not drinking—and therefore, might insist those things he said weren’t a big deal. If he doesn’t want to talk, don’t force the conversation. Just let him know you’re there for him. Continue inviting him to talk on a regular basis when he’s sober.
Visit In-Person If You Can
If you’re able to visit with your son in person, seeing him face-to-face might be a good idea. Seeing him might give you a better indicator of how he’s really doing. This might also give you insight into how much he’s drinking. And it might clue you in to how depressed he really is. He may minimize these things when he talks to you on the phone.
Provide Resources
Encourage your son to get help and provide him with some basic information on where he can turn. He might start by talking to his physician who may refer him to a therapist, substance abuse counselor, a psychiatrist, or even an inpatient rehab center depending on his needs. You can also encourage him to try therapy. If he’s hesitant to talk to someone in person, he could try online therapy. There are many online therapy services and providers who are equipped to manage mental health and substance abuse issues online. Keep in mind, you’re just there to offer encouragement. Don’t waste your time researching his insurance options or the therapists who have openings in his area. That’s his job if he’s interested in getting help.
Take Care of Yourself
Of course, you can’t force your son to get help if he doesn’t want it. But, there may come a time when you decide to establish some healthy boundaries. For example, you may decide to stop talking on the phone with him when he’s been drinking if these calls are upsetting to you. You might say something like, “I’d love to talk to you about this when you’re sober. I’m going to end this call now because you’ve been drinking, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow about it.” Get professional help for yourself if you want someone to talk to. Dealing with a loved one’s substance abuse and mental health issues can be a lot to deal with. Whether you attend a support group like Al-Anon or you see a therapist for yourself, get the support you need to feel your best when dealing with this difficult situation. Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts
