It’s no surprise that many couples internally ask the question, “How would I cope?” with such a situation if it were to happen to you. It’s particularly common to also wonder if your own marriage could survive such a serious betrayal.
Overview
Popular psychologist and self-help book author, Dr. Harriet Lerner writes about this in a PsychologyToday.com article, “Will Your Marriage Survive the Affair?” (2013). She writes, “Keep in mind that an affair is not a terrible aberration that only occurs in unhappy marriages. It’s a myth that the “real reason” behind an affair is a faulty spouse or bad marriage. A sexually and emotionally distant marriage will definitely make an affair more likely, but it’s also true that affairs happen in excellent marriages as well. Affairs have many sources, and opportunity and work context are among the predisposing factors.”
Facts About Infidelity
Marriage can survive infidelity, but it is important to remember certain facts:
It’s not easy It hurts There will probably be anger, tears, and depression It will take time to heal It will take a decision to trust again It will take the cheater taking responsibility and not blaming his/her spouse for the affair It will take the “victim” also taking responsibility for underlying problems in the marriage It will take courage It will require serious commitment from both of you to save your marriage It is likely that you will need professional help to process what happened
Many professionals have seen marriages not only survive infidelity but become better than before.
Healing
Developing a new way of interacting requires you both to:
have deep and meaningful conversations express underlying vulnerable emotions temper defensiveness, blame, denial explore your underlying patterns or “vicious cycles” of communication be willing to forgive hurts be completely honest look at emotional baggage that may have gotten you to this place
Some feelings that are prominent when a married couple experiences cheating include:
ShameGuiltBlameAngerHurtDisappointmentRageEmbarrassmentForgivenessJealousyLustResentmentDenialMis-trust
When Not to Stay
Your marriage can survive this onslaught of feelings. However, some marriages are not meant to be saved. If infidelity is one of many symptoms of domestic violence and/or emotional abuse in your relationship you will never feel safe enough to work through your problems. These are very entrenched issues that are often not changeable. It is challenging for the betrayed partner to know if they can give the spouse a “second chance.” If the infidelity was a one-time event, this is also quite different than someone with a pattern of ongoing cheating. If your spouse is a serial cheater, it may be time to throw in the towel. The spouse can also be extremely transparent by supplying account passwords, allowing an app or GPS tracking, taking a lie-detector, or be willing to sign a post-nuptial agreement. These suggestions might not work for everyone, but they are worth consideration in the short-term while trying to work through infidelity.
Where to Get Help
See out a licensed therapist or psychologist who specializes in working with couples. Be sure to ask about their expertise in helping with infidelity in particular. A place to start if you are still unsure if you want to save the marriage, or the affair is still going on, is a process called “Discernment Counseling.” Some people find it better (or easier) to speak with their clergy. This may be a good initial step, but a professional counselor will be needed to help you work through the long-term healing process.
