This fear can have many underlying causes. An untreated fear of rejection may worsen over time, leading to greater and greater limitations in a person’s life. This article discusses the fear of rejection, including how rejection sensitivity can affect your life and behavior. It also suggests some strategies you can use to overcome this fear. Subscribe Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts
How Fear of Rejection Limits Your Life
Although not every person experiences the fear of rejection in the same way, it tends to affect the ability to succeed in a wide range of personal and professional situations.
Job Interviews
Fear of rejection can lead to physical symptoms that can sometimes be interpreted as a lack of confidence. Confidence and an air of authority are critical in many positions, and those experiencing this fear often come across as weak and insecure. If you have a fear of rejection, you may also have trouble negotiating work-related contracts, leaving valuable pay and benefits on the table.
Business Dealings
In many positions, the need to impress does not end once you have the job. Entertaining clients, negotiating deals, selling products, and attracting investors are key components of many jobs. Even something as simple as answering the telephone can be terrifying for people with a fear of rejection.
Meeting New People
Humans are social creatures, and we are expected to follow basic social niceties in public. If you have a fear of rejection, you may feel unable to chat with strangers or even friends of friends. The tendency to keep to yourself could potentially prevent you from making lasting connections with others.
Dating
First dates can be daunting, but those with a fear of rejection may experience significant anxiety. Rather than focusing on getting to know the other person and deciding whether you would like a second date, you might spend all of your time worrying about whether that person likes you. Trouble speaking, obsessive worrying about your appearance, an inability to eat, and a visibly nervous demeanor are common.
Marriage
Married life consists of an unending series of negotiations and compromises. No matter how compatible you may be, it is impossible for two people to agree on everything. Those with a fear of rejection often have difficulty expressing their own needs and standing their ground. You might also develop feelings of jealousy or distrust in your partner as your fear of rejection turns into a fear of being abandoned. This is sometimes expressed in unhealthy behaviors such as checking your partner’s phone messages or social media accounts.
Peer Relationships
The need to belong is a basic human condition, so people often behave in ways that help them fit in with the group. While dressing, speaking, and behaving as a group member is not necessarily unhealthy, peer pressure sometimes goes too far. It could lead you to do things you’re not comfortable with just to remain part of the group.
Responses to the Fear of Rejection
When you have a fear of rejection, you may engage in behaviors focused on either covering up or compensating for this fear.
Lack of Authenticity
Many people who are afraid of rejection develop a carefully monitored and scripted way of life. Fearing that you will be rejected if you show your true self to the world, you may live life behind a mask. This can make you seem phony and inauthentic to others and may cause a rigid unwillingness to embrace life’s challenges.
People-Pleasing
Although it is natural to want to take care of those we love, those who fear rejection often go too far. You might find it impossible to say no, even when saying yes causes major inconveniences or hardships in your own life. If you are a people-pleaser, you may take on too much, increasing your risk for burnout. At the extreme, people-pleasing sometimes turns into enabling the bad behaviors of others.
Passivity
People with a fear of rejection often go out of their way to avoid confrontations. You might refuse to ask for what you want or speak up for what you need. A common tendency is to try to simply shut down your own needs or pretend that they don’t matter. The fear of rejection may stop you from reaching your full potential. Putting yourself out there is frightening for anyone, but if you have a fear of rejection, you may feel paralyzed. Hanging onto the status quo feels safe, even if you are not happy with your current situation.
Passive-Aggressiveness
Uncomfortable showing off their true selves but unable to entirely shut out their own needs, many people who fear rejection end up behaving in passive-aggressive ways. You might procrastinate, “forget” to keep promises, complain, and work inefficiently on the projects that you take on.
Consequences of Fearful Behavior
The fear of rejection leads to behaviors that make us appear insecure, ineffectual and overwhelmed. You might sweat, shake, fidget, avoid eye contact, and even lose the ability to effectively communicate. While individuals react to these behaviors in very different ways, these are some of the reactions you might see.
Rejection
Ironically, the fear of rejection often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is well-known in pop psychology that confidence enhances attractiveness. As a general rule, the lack of self-confidence that is inherent in a fear of rejection makes us more likely to be rejected. Research shows that confidence is nearly as important as intelligence in determining our income level.
Manipulation
Some people prey on the insecurities of others. Those who suffer from a fear of rejection may be at greater risk of being manipulated for someone else’s personal gain. Expert manipulators generally come across as charming, suave, and caring—they know what buttons to push to make others trust them. They also know how to keep someone with a fear of rejection feeling slightly on edge, as if the manipulator might leave at any time. Almost invariably, the manipulator does end up leaving once they have gotten what they want out of the other person.
Frustration
Most people are decent, honest, and forthright. Rather than manipulating someone with a fear of rejection, they will try to help. Look for signs that your friends and family are trying to encourage your assertiveness, asking you to be more open with them, or probing your true feelings. Many times, however, people who fear rejection experience these efforts as emotionally threatening. This often leads friends and family to walk on eggshells, fearful of making your fears worse. Over time, they may become frustrated and angry, either confronting you about your behavior or beginning to distance themselves from you.
How to Overcome Fear of Rejection
If you are experiencing a fear of rejection, there are steps you can take to learn how to cope better and stop this fear from negatively impacting your life. You may find the following strategies helpful for learning how to overcome a fear of rejection.
Improve Your Self-Regulation Skills
Self-regulation refers to your ability to identify and control your emotions and behaviors. It also plays an important role in overcoming your fear of rejection. By identifying negative thoughts that contribute to feelings of fear, you can actively take steps to reframe your thinking in a way that is more optimistic and encouraging.
Face Your Fears
Avoidance coping involves managing unpleasant feelings by simply avoiding the things that trigger those emotions. The problem with this approach is that it ultimately contributes to increased feelings of fear. Instead of getting better at dealing with your fear of rejection, it makes you even more fearful and sensitive to it. So instead of avoiding situations where you might experience rejection, focus on putting yourself out there and tackling your fear. Once you have more experience facing your fear, you’ll begin to recognize that the consequences are less anxiety-provoking than you anticipated. You’ll also gain greater confidence in your own abilities to succeed.
Cultivate Resilience
Being resilient means that you are able to pick yourself up after a setback and move forward with a renewed sense of strength and optimism. Strategies that can help foster a greater sense of resilience include building your confidence in your own abilities, having a strong social support system, and nurturing and caring for yourself. Having goals and taking steps to improve your skills can also give you faith in your ability to bounce back from rejection.
A Word From Verywell
If you find that fear of rejection is negatively affecting your life and causing distress, it may be time to seek out psychotherapy. This can help you explore and better understand some of the underlying contributions to your fear and find more effective ways to cope with this vulnerability.
