In one survey, between 20% to 30% of participants stated that losing a loved one was the most traumatic event in their lives—even among those who had reported 11 or more traumatic events over the course of their life. For that group, 22% still ranked the loss of a loved one as their most traumatic event.
Why the Death of a Mother Is So Hard
Whether you are grieving the death of a mother who birthed you or a mother (or mother figure) who raised you, you are either grieving the bond you had or the bond you wish you had. John Bowlby, a British psychologist, believed that children are born with a drive to seek attachment with their caregivers. While others before him believed that attachment was food-motivated, he believed that attachment formed based on nurturing and responsiveness. Therefore, it makes sense that grieving that attachment—or lack thereof—would be incredibly difficult. A mother is such an integral part of our lives in our society, in part because we are not raised in communities with a variety of caretakers,” says Liz Schmitz-Binnall, PsyD, who has done research on mother loss and resilience. Her research specifically focused on adult women who had lost their mothers as children and found that they scored lower on resilience than those who had not lost mothers as children. She says she sees many people who didn’t have a good relationship with their mother but are surprised at the strength of their grief reaction following their mother’s death.
How Death of a Mother Affects Someone
While mother loss differs from other losses in some key ways, some of the same effects that come from any kind of loss or bereavement are present. Some thoughts and feelings typical of grief:
ShockNumbnessSadnessDisbeliefConfusionDifficulty concentratingAnger
Less known is that grief can show up physically, in addition to the more-known mental or spiritual indications. In your body, grief may look like:
Digestive problemsEnergy lossNervousnessSleep disturbancesWeight changes Nervousness
Risk of Psychiatric Disorders
In others, however, a loss of a loved one may activate mental health disorders even in those with no history of mental illness. One study found an increased risk for the following disorders, in addition to discovering a new link between mania and loss:
Major depressive disorderPanic disorderPosttraumatic disorder
Specifically in adults over the age of 70:
Manic episodesPhobiasAlcohol use disordersGeneralized anxiety disorder
What Is Complex Bereavement?
All grief is complex, but upon losing someone, many people are able to slowly readjust to their daily routines (or create new routines). Mental health professionals may call it complicated or complex bereavement if it has been at least a year and your daily function is still significantly impacted. (Note: the current clinical name is Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, but the American Psychiatric Association recently approved a change of name to Prolonged Grief Disorder.) Some of the signs of prolonged grief are the following symptoms still significantly impacting your daily functioning after 12 months:
Difficulty moving on with life Emotional numbness Thoughts that life is meaningless A marked sense of disbelief about the death
In one study, 65% of participants with complicated grief had thought about wanting to die themselves after losing a loved one. So if you, or someone you know who is grieving, is having suicidal thoughts, know that you aren’t alone and this is not uncommon for what you are going through.
How to Heal from the Death of a Mother
When loss is fresh, it feels like you will feel that way forever—but you won’t. “If you allow yourself to grieve, and if others allow you to grieve,” says Schmitz-Binnall, “you will probably notice that the really intense feelings will lessen during the first few months after the death of your mother.” She says that while most people intuitively realize it can be hard to lose a mother, they don’t realize quite how hard it can be—or how long it can take. “People in our society often think we can move through grief in a month and be done with it.” And even if we don’t acknowledge those feelings, that doesn’t mean they aren’t existing and impacting our lives anyway. Some of her tips:
Feel the feelingsOr let yourself feel nothingTalk about your feelingsSpend time by yourselfSpend time with othersTalk to her (in whatever way that means for you and your beliefs—it may also include writing letters to her.)
Talk to a Professional
Therapy can be helpful after a major loss like this. While most therapists will have worked with grief, as it’s one of the most universal life experiences, there are also therapists who specialize in working with clients with grief. To find one, search for grief therapist or grief counselor in your area.
Find a Community
Since grief can feel like such an isolating experience, many find comfort in support groups, whether they be in-person or an online support group. If you are a woman who has lost a mother, you may be interested in the Motherless Daughters community, which is both virtual and has offline meetups.
A Word From Verywell
The death of a mother is one of the most traumatic things someone can experience. If you are currently grieving your mother, give yourself grace. Whether you had a good relationship or not with her, there will always be grief associated with either the actual relationship you had or the one you wish you had.
