The only way you alone can change the current course of your interactions with someone with a substance use disorder (SUD) is to change how you react. By adjusting your approach and attitude toward the problem, you can put it in a different perspective so that it no longer dominates your thoughts and your life. In some ways, knowing that you can make this change is empowering. Below are nine things that you can do that may help relieve the pressure, and in some cases, also better help your loved one start their path to recovery. First, a note about terminology: While “alcoholic” is a colloquial term, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) recommends saying “person with alcohol use disorder” for accuracy and to reduce stigma. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) describes a diagnosable medical condition that is classified as mild, moderate, or severe. Subscribe Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts If your loved one has become addicted to alcohol, however, their brain chemistry may have changed to the point that they are completely surprised by some of the choices they make. They may not be in control of their own decision making. You may tell yourself that surely there is something you can do. But the reality is that not even the person dependent on alcohol can control their drinking, try as they may.
Let a Crisis Happen
You may still want to help your loved one when they are in the middle of a crisis. However, a crisis is usually the time when you should do nothing. When someone reaches a crisis point, sometimes that’s when they finally admit they have a problem and begin to reach out for help. For those who love someone living with an addiction, it is very difficult to sit back and let the crisis play out to its fullest extent. When they reach the point in their substance use when they get a DUI, lose their job, or go to jail, for example, it can be difficult to accept that the best thing they can do in the situation is nothing. You don’t have to create a crisis, but learning detachment will help you allow a crisis—one that may be the only way to create change—to happen. Keep in mind that someone with alcohol dependence usually goes through a few stages before they are ready to make a change. Until they begin to contemplate quitting, any actions you take to “help” them quit will often be met with resistance. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to “cure” their AUD. You just happen to love someone who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That’s their responsibility, not yours. Treatment for AUD can include, counseling, support groups, and medication. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. If you have children, it’s important to protect them from unacceptable behavior as well. Do not tolerate hurtful or negative comments addressed towards them. These comments can result in lasting damage to a child’s psyche. Protect your children, and don’t hesitate to keep them away from someone who drinks and does not respect your boundaries. Growing up in an alcoholic home can leave lasting scars. However, for someone with an alcohol dependence, that expectation may turn out to be unreasonable. If the person is incapable of even being honest with themselves, it may not be reasonable to expect them to be honest with you. If family members try to “help” by covering up for their drinking and making excuses for them, they are playing right into their loved one’s denial game. This is just enabling. Dealing with the problem openly and honestly is the best approach. Often, in trying to “help,” well-meaning loved ones will actually do something that enables someone dependent on alcohol to continue along their destructive paths. Make sure that you are not doing anything that bolsters their denial or prevents them from facing the natural consequences of their actions.
When You Enable Them
What happens when you enable them? The exact answer depends on the specific situation, but typically two things happen: They never feel the pain, and it takes the focus off of their behavior. For example, if your loved one passes out in the yard and you carefully help them into the house and into bed, only you feel the pain. The focus then becomes what you did (moved them) rather than what they did (drinking so much that they passed out outside).
When You Stop Enabling Them
Instead, if you do nothing and they wake up on the lawn in the morning with neighbors peeking out the window and come into the house while you and the children are happily eating breakfast, they are left to face the results of their own behavior. Natural consequences may mean that you refuse to spend any time with the person dependent on alcohol. This decision is not being mean or unkind. It is an act of protection for yourself. It is not your job to “cure” your loved one’s alcoholism, but allowing natural consequences to occur is one factor that can push a person from the pre-contemplative stage to the contemplative stage of overcoming addiction. The contemplative stage ends with the decision to make a change, yet further steps such as preparation, action, and later maintenance and likely relapse are usually needed before the addiction is controlled. A support group such as Al-Anon Family Groups may also be a helpful source of support when you have someone in your life with a drinking problem. The group can give you a place to get social support and encouragement from others going through a similar situation.
