“A person who wants to heal from betrayal and work on self-growth can often benefit from two (or three) well-crafted self-help books that work in tandem," Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and relationship expert, tells Verywell Mind. “Infidelity can be life-shattering, so it’s truly important to do solid work from the inside-out to create deep healing.” Here are the best books about infidelity for every type of relationship. Michele Weiner-Davis, acclaimed relationship expert and therapist, guides couples in a step-by-step program to make amends and rebuild trust following an affair. This interactive book includes sections on dealing with traumatic feelings, how to respond to questions after an affair, overcoming flashbacks, finding forgiveness, and more. Kenneth Paul Rosenberg, MD, a psychiatrist specializing in addiction, guides readers in a science-backed journey to understanding all sides of infidelity. This book breaks down the three types of cheating—emotional, virtual, and physical—as well as what drives one toward an affair, and how to process and heal from a cheating partner. Dealing with subjects like what counts as infidelity and how to prevent it from ruining one’s life, Rosenberg explains how to prevent cheating, stop it in its tracks, and repair a relationship after the fact. Throughout the book, Weiss offers insights through the lens of the betrayed partner, sharing their feelings and views of the situation. This book also explores digital-age infidelity, which the author defines as ”[t]he breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.” Weiss is a therapist specializing in infidelity and sexual compulsions with specialties in digital-age sex, intimacy, and relationships. Mixing true stories with psychological and cultural analyses, Perel brings the taboos of modern marriage to life. Written to be enlightening, honest, and entertaining, “The State of Affairs” leaves readers with a newfound understanding of the feelings, motivations, and uncertainty experienced in relationships. This book does not aim to save one’s relationship after infidelity; instead, it’s written to save one’s sanity. Full of wisdom and uncensored wit, the book serves as a practical and relatable guide for anyone who’s been cheated on and needs a friend who “sits with you at 3 in the morning, pours you a bowl of Raisin Bran, and tells you to leave that cheater.” “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” is sprinkled with hilarious cartoons that satirize the arrogance of cheaters. Author Tracy Schorn is a journalist, cartoonist, and blogger who runs the successful infidelity blog “Chump Lady.” She’s living proof that one can survive the nightmare of infidelity and come out thriving on the other side. Taking a non-judgmental approach, Dr. Tammy Nelson advises readers on the implications of infidelity, with exercises and actionable steps to move forward with their lives. This book addresses questions like deciding whether to tell a spouse about the affair and how to figure out if it’s worth staying in the marriage. Nelson is a board-certified sexologist, a sex therapist certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, a licensed professional counselor, a certified Imago relationship therapist, and a licensed alcohol and drug abuse counselor. In this New York Times bestseller, author Katherine Woodward Thomas helps readers reframe the way they view the end of a relationship. Through her five-step method, readers gain the skills and tools needed to turn the page and empower themselves to move into the next chapter of life. Woodward Thomas is a licensed marriage and family therapist. This book serves as a tool to help readers unpack and process a damaged relationship and find the clarity and confidence needed to move forward. This book serves as a tool to help readers decipher their emotions and dissect the situation. Wilson also offers advice on finding safety in a time of turmoil, assessing one’s needs, making amends, and promoting change. This book takes a deep dive into infidelity and why people have affairs from a religious point of view. Carder shares tips for cultivating an adultery-proof marriage as well as providing additional insights with supplemental charts and personal assessments. Through real-life stories, clinical insights, and current data, “Anatomy of an Affair” gives both happy and struggling couples advice on healing from and avoiding infidelity. The book you choose should also be based on your circumstances. A neutral perspective on infidelity meant for the unfaithful partner won’t do much to help the partner who feels betrayed. Reading a book meant for someone in your position can help you find a way forward, whether you choose to remain with your partner or not.
Expert Insights
There are many books about infidelity that were written by experts, whether they are psychologists, life coaches, or even religious leaders. Certain experts will speak more to you than others. For example, several authors incorporate faith-based coping strategies and scripture from religious texts to help couples deal with infidelity. Some of the books on this list fall into this category. If your religion plays a large part in your life, books that incorporate scripture, devotional text, and other faith-based approaches to infidelity.
Helpful Tools
One of the most productive parts of reading books about infidelity is the tools and coping strategies they arm you with. Helpful tools may include actionable advice, help to create plans for life after breaking up, tips for repairing your marriage, and even relatable stories that provide clarity. Use these tools to help you figure out what you want your life to look like after infidelity.
What Experts Say
“The best self-help books offer clear explanations of psychological behaviors, illuminating case studies, and actual exercises for couples to work through.” — Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and relationship expert “Depending on the personality of the unfaithful person, infidelity can be very apparent or very well-hidden,” explains Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist and relationship expert who has worked extensively with clients on their infidelity issues. However, there are some signs that could indicate infidelity — or at least, the potential for it. “Most partners who have been betrayed say their spidey senses tell them something is up with their partner, even when the other person denies it or fails to respond to attempts to connect or find out if everything is ok,” says Dr. Dana McNeil, licensed relationship, marriage and family therapist and founder of The Relationship Place in San Diego. For example, she continues, your partner might be “emotionally disconnected, changing or creating new habits of dress, spending more time away from home, or be on their cell phone more.” You might also notice that your partner has a dwindling interest in your daily activities or in sexual intimacy with you. “Other more subtle and harder to pinpoint signs are when a partner is being unresponsive to their partner’s emotional needs, is not open to hearing the other person’s feelings without getting defensive, or exhibits indifference to make amends when conflicts happen,” Dr. McNeill says. Sometimes, the cheating partner might also be more easily annoyed, angry or short on patience. If you’re the one who was cheated on, it’s important to know you didn’t cause it and you don’t deserve it. “Although those who are unfaithful often blame their partners for their behavior, the core issues—overt dishonesty and betrayal—are the sole responsibility of the unfaithful person,” says Dr. Manly. “Two key issues often trigger infidelity,” she continues. “The first is a lack of integrity and the second is a lack of self-esteem.” When someone feels low self-esteem, they often seek something out to make themselves feel better. “When a person no longer experiences themselves as someone who is funny, interesting, intelligent, or sexy, it is not unusual to be attracted to someone who mirrors back the traits they have been missing,” McNeill explains. “The person who has the affair so desperately wants to experience themselves as having those traits again that they make a choice that …feels more akin to rediscovering themselves.” Other relationship strains can also lead to infidelity. “Relationship difficulties such as libido differences and ongoing conflict can trigger a desire to be unfaithful,” Dr. Manly says, “but a person with strong self-esteem and integrity will work to resolve the issues with the partner. Psychotherapy can be a very helpful tool for resolving those relationship issues. However, an unfaithful person often chooses to go outside the marriage for fulfillment rather than addressing the issues within the marriage.” However, according to current research, “somewhere between 20 percent to 40 percent of marriages fail as a direct result of infidelity,” she says. “In working with couples where infidelity has occurred, it is clear that betrayals of this nature often lead to deep trust issues that are extremely difficult to heal.” “The work required to heal the relationship [might] be too much for the couple to handle,” explains Alisha Sweyd, licensed marriage and family therapist in Pacific Grove, California. “This could be due to work schedules, family situations, or that the hurt goes much much deeper than just the indiscretion.” That said, infidelity doesn’t have to end a marriage. “A large [number] of couples make it through an event of infidelity,” says McNeill. “Many couples find they can get a fresh start on their relationship if they are able to work through the issues that made one partner feel like getting their needs met elsewhere.” “When the partner who strayed is able to identify the triggers that got them to the position of feeling like infidelity was an option and can simultaneously express genuine remorse and attunement with their partner’s pain,” she continues, “many relationships can weather the affair. However, to get there, most need the help of a well-trained relationship therapist. “By working through the issues with an objective therapist, couples stand the best chance of healing the issues that lead to—and resulted from—the infidelity,” says Dr. Manly. “Without professional support, the intricate web of fears, mistrust, and resentment can be exceedingly difficult to untangle and heal.” “A good self-help book [is] open and honest from the beginning that your relationship could be healed and mended OR it could end with separation or divorce. Any book that tells you one way is better than the other is not objective, and therefore not helpful.” — Alisha Sweyd, licensed marriage and family therapist
Why Trust Verywell Mind
Emily Stone is a Chicago-based journalist specializing in lifestyle content, nonprofit storytelling, and human interest stories. Emily has written for various publications and brands, including Better, Chicago Athlete Magazine, and POWWFUL. Emily is a born bookworm and only recommends books she believes will offer real value to the reader. Additional reporting by Simone Scully. As an experienced health and science reporter, Simone Scully understands the importance of making thoroughly researched recommendations. Her work has appeared in Well+Good, Healthline, Nautilus, and more.
