For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. “We need to provide hope and validation to those who are suicidal; therefore, it’s important to avoid any messaging that may increase their shame, judgment, or guilt,” says Jenna Hennessy, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and instructor of medical psychology (in psychiatry) at Columbia University Irving Medical Center. Being in this position can certainly be stressful. “We are all human, we mess up, and we end up saying things imperfectly,” says Dr. Hennessy. However, the important thing is to do your best to help the person feel safe. Here are some things you should not say to someone who is suicidal, and what you should say to them instead.
What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Suicidal
Below, Dr. Hennessy lists some things you should not say to someone who is living with thoughts of suicide and explains why these phrases may be harmful.
“Things aren’t that bad.”
“Other people have it much worse.”
“Why are you being so dramatic?”
“You’re doing this to get attention.”
“How could you even think about that?”
“How could you be so selfish?”
“Have you tried going out more/working out/changing your job/etc.?”
“No you’re not, you’re just having a rough time right now.”
What to Say Instead
Dr. Hennessy shares some responses that may be more appropriate instead, and explains how they can help. You’re not the one experiencing the type of despair they’re feeling, so labeling their emotions as “dramatic” minimizes their feelings. This can cause the person to stop confiding in others when they are having thoughts of suicide. It also leads to further isolation out of fear of judgment for talking about their distress. Communicating the message that they should feel shame for a thought that is ultimately out of their control does not make them stop thinking about suicide or make them stop feeling what they feel. Instead, they may end up feeling guilty for having these thoughts. If a friend or loved one is communicating suicidality, chances are that they have been feeling that way for quite some time and have either tried many solutions to no avail or do not feel they can access the types of solutions offered. When we suggest solutions without taking the time to sit with someone’s pain, we often don’t acknowledge the barriers that are present and end up making seemingly impossible actions sound “easy.” This has the potential to increase the person’s feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. One of the hallmarks of suicidality is a deep sense of hopelessness that pervades the present and any thoughts about the future. The person is unable to imagine a world in which they don’t feel the level of pain they are currently feeling.
“I’m so glad you told me.”
“Tell me more about how you’ve been feeling.”
“You are not alone.”
How to Support Someone Who Is Suicidal
The truth is that many more individuals contemplate suicide than you might believe. It is unfortunately common to have thoughts of suicide. Talking about it can also give the person time and space to identify and label the many different parts of their internal experience. This process can help them better understand themselves and reduce the weight of those experiences. If a loved one or friend has opened up about their suicidal thoughts, Dr. Hennessy suggests some additional ways that you can support them:
Help them find treatment resources: Look for resources around you and help the person get in touch with qualified professionals. The person may require a treatment team, which can consist of many different types of resources including, but not limited to: a psychotherapist trained in suicidality, a psychiatrist, a support group, spiritual or religious leaders, and other community resources. Let them know there is hope: Encourage the person to seek treatment and let them know there is hope for them to of deal with their problems and feel better. There are evidence-based treatments that have been shown to be effective in helping those who are suicidal. Suggest alternative options: Sometimes people aren’t ready to contact a professional. Let them know that there are other resources, such as 24/7 hotlines that are always available. Offer your support: Offer to drive them or accompany them to appointments if it will help get them the help they need. Remove means: Get rid of any lethal objects that the person may use to attempt suicide. For example, if they have told you that they are thinking of overdosing on sleeping pills, remove those medications from their medicine cabinet. Or, if they have mentioned a gun, get rid of any weapons in their home. Build connection: Increase opportunities for connection and communication however you can. Call for help if you fear for their life: Know your own limits and get help if you’re worried. Reach out to other people in the person’s life or call 911 if you fear for their safety. This can be difficult because you don’t want the person to feel like you’ve betrayed their trust. However, in a situation in which their life is in danger, it is far better to err on the side of caution and risk the person’s temporary anger with you rather than a very permanent loss.
A Word From Verywell
If someone confides in you that they have been living with thoughts of suicide, your reaction could help save their life. “It is very important to take thoughts of suicide seriously, listen to the person carefully, avoid passing judgment, and try to come up with ways to keep them safe together,” says Dr. Blumberg.
