Helping Yourself Helps Your Child
The way that you and other caregivers react to death will affect how your child reacts. As a parent or caregiver, you will need to address your own grief through outside support or counseling for the benefit of the whole family. Getting the support you need will show your child that healing is important.
Tell Important People in Your Child’s Life
Collaborative healing efforts will provide your child with the extra support and love they need during this difficult time. A child’s pediatrician, teachers, and friends’ parents need to know about the parent’s death. Reaching out to those who have daily contact with your child will increase the available support. Make an appointment with a pediatrician to discuss how your child is coping.
Supporting Your Child
Grief is a normal process and typically does not require medication. However, you may initially need to spend more time with your child and assure them that you will not leave. Talking with your child on an age-appropriate level and encouraging questions provides a supportive environment. Here are some more suggestions for supporting your preschool and school-age children through the grieving process:
Answer any questions they have honestly, but try to keep your answers simple and brief. It’s also OK to say that you don’t know or that you don’t have the answer right now. Avoid using euphemisms for death, such as “resting” or “sleeping forever,” as this can be confusing for a child. Instead, explain that when someone dies, their body stops working. They can no longer breathe, talk, move, eat, etc. Reinforce the fact that death is part of life—not a form of punishment. Share any religious or spiritual believes your family has about death and dying. Make sure the child understands that it is not their fault and they are not to blame. Help them understand that their parent is not going to “come back,” even if they are “good.” Be careful about associating death with sickness as this can cause them to become fearful about their own illnesses. Use books and online resources to help them understand death. Encourage them to express their emotions and feelings by writing or drawing a picture. Explain what to expect at the memorial services and allow your child to decide if they want to attend. If your child decides to attend, ask a trusted friend or family member to be available in case they can’t handle it and want to leave early. Allow older children and teens to play a role in planning the memorial if they want; this can include gathering pictures to display or picking a favorite poem or reading for the memorial service. Encourage your child to spend time with friends and participate in hobbies and social activities; remind them that having fun is OK and it doesn’t mean you don’t miss or love your deceased parent. Let them know that it will take time to feel better and that it’s normal to experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, shame, and anxiety. Teens, in particular, may deal with sadness with displays of anger or risky behavior (such as unprotected sex or substance use). Remind children how much the deceased parent loved them and do your best to talk about them, show them pictures, and share memories.
Factors That May Contribute to Depression
While a loss of a parent or caregiver is traumatic for any child, the likelihood of this turning into depression depends on four factors, according to a report in the Journal of American Psychiatry. Researchers found that children whose parents died by suicide or an accident were at higher risk for depression than children whose parents died after developing a sudden and natural illness. Additionally, they found that children in the following situations were more likely to experience depression within two years of the loss when compared to their peers:
Past mental health illness, like depressionFeelings of accountability for the parent’s deathLost a mother
When It’s More Than Sadness
It is normal for a child to feel sad or scared when a parent dies. But if their sadness or fear continues for an extended period of time, worsens or significantly interferes with their normal functioning, it’s important to consult your child’s physician for evaluation. Seek immediate attention if your child has thoughts of suicide or self-harm. Early identification and treatment of depression in children are important, as there is potential for short- and long-term consequences such as low self-esteem, substance use, and suicidal thoughts and behavior. People with PGD experience a strong yearning for their lost loved one and significant emotional pain that is disruptive to their everyday lives. For children and adolescents, their thoughts may constantly be on memories of their parent and particularly on the circumstances surrounding their parent’s death. If the child in your life is experiencing prolonged grief, talk to a pediatrician. They will be able to recommend a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) program specifically for kids or teens. Research shows that CBT contributed to significant reductions in the symptoms of PGD in children and adolescents with the condition.
Recognizing Depression
Children who are depressed may feel hopeless, guilty, angry, or misunderstood. Here are a few more signs to watch for: For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Changes in sleeping habits and appetiteWithdrawal from family, friends, and hobbies that they used to enjoyA significant drop in school performanceAvoidance of school or social activitiesVague, unexplained physical complaints, like a headache or bellyacheDifficulty concentrating and making decisions
You cannot prevent your child’s loss, but you can support them through this difficult time by allowing them to grieve and by creating a safe and loving environment. Part of that support is recognizing when your child has become depressed and seeking treatment to help them heal.
