Domestic abuse is not so much about a “loss of control” as it is about total control. Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers and many have elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions.
All About Control
There are varying theories about what makes batterers abuse those closest to them. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe they are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars. Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers. Domestic abusers:
Are controllingAre manipulativeBelieve that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationshipOften see themselves as victims
Mate Retention Behaviors
For some abusers, violence is a tool to keep their intimate partner from leaving the relationship or keeping them from being unfaithful, even if it means physically forcing them to stay. As one batterer explained after going through treatment, the abuse was all about control: “I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful,” he suggested.
The Abuse Cycle
The issues of power and control are essential to an understanding of domestic violence. One way this is accomplished is by becoming familiar with the cycle of violence. Here is an overview of the phases:
Build-Up Phase: The tension buildsStand-Over Phase: Verbal attacks increaseExplosion Phase: A violent outburst occursRemorse Phase: The abuser excuses their behavior (“You shouldn’t have pushed me, it was your fault.")Pursuit Phase: Promises are made (“It will never happen again, I promise.")Honeymoon Phase: A brief respite before the cycle begins again (“See, we don’t have any problems!”)
Help for Batterers
There are very few resources available for batterers, but generally speaking, many only seek help when ordered by the courts to do so, and most states spend no tax dollars on treatment for batterers, usually offering only incarceration in jail or prison as a solution.
Economic abuse Psychological and emotional abuse Sexual abuse Social abuse Spiritual abuse Verbal abuse
Putting the abuser in jail will stop the violence, but usually only temporarily since no treatment is available. The problem is, the involvement of the police and incarceration can actually trigger greater violence in some cases.
Help for Victims of Abuse
The threat of physical harm plus the economic and physical isolation they usually find themselves in makes getting help even more difficult for the victims of domestic abuse. Simply leaving can provoke more and greater violence. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
